成长记

或许人在忙碌中反而最清醒吧！我总觉得这段日子里的我成长了不少。因为忙，让我没了时间去挂念某个人，让我发觉，其实，我也是可以好好的过的，而且过得很好。在人生中，很多时候忙碌让人没了时间做很多事，好的、坏的，都包含在内。而对我，是没了时间去想负面的事物。

因为当兵，我重新认识了自己。就算已经是个大学生，但我还能再次感觉到自己原有的活力与冲劲。那种正视一切的能力，那种在朋友中无须顾忌某人的尴尬没了。我的某些压力没了，责任没了，人也轻松多了。

我的人很坦诚，相信人是我的都知道。我出了名是直性子，但我并不想伤害任何人，我只是希望大家正视一切，做个能接受别人话语的人。

当兵很苦，但我学到东西。独立、时间分配、配合、分享、勇敢，还有很多很多。甚至我开始逼自己去遵守对自己的承诺，因为我不想成为一个没自信的人。更重要的是，我变得健康了。手手脚脚天天都在被训练，身体要动才能在里面活下去。或许出营时，我会变得壮很多~~~

有些心里的话，在这里不大适合说出来。但我只能说，在里面时的我没在为谁而活。

那一份情，难舍难了……

是否能有个人来取代，来当我生命中新的柱子呢？
It would have been better, for me.
但，我还是舍不得。
I am too kind to be cruel, to say goodbye or to leave for real...
我总是在转身后的下一秒便掉头。
Just one word and it would have bring me back easily.
我的坚强渐渐瓦解。
But I build it higher right after it has fallen.

I shall wear my armor tighter,
be a knight that could never let others see my sorrow.

A knight shall always be strong,
A knight shall always keeps his faith on what he believes,
A knight shall always prepares to sacrifice everything for what he swears to protect,
and A knight shall never let go of his sword and his shield for they are what he really and only owns.

I am never a prince,
for I always so near to you.
I never been a good leader,
for I need to prepare for everything that may endanger you.
I am a good person,
but I could be bad to fight for you.
I would only be a knight,
not a prince who cares for his country and unable to fight for you.
Most importantly,
I am a knight who put you forward of everything else.

啊！！

总觉得自己最近的眼神中充满着忧郁。我并不想这样的。我从来都不擅长掩饰我的难过，我只会不说出来。因为我懂，我该怎样处理这些情绪，只是我选择的往往不是我最该用的方式。我偏感性了。

自私的我与愿意付出的我常常在打仗，但我的心总会偏向那个甘愿付出的一方，别问我为什么还要继续这样让自己难过下去，我只知道我不想后悔。我这辈子都不愿意在那次之后再次面对后悔带来的沉重罪恶感，那是一生不可磨灭的。好在我的好朋友没让这事变成了我的遗憾，友谊万岁啊！哈哈哈~

好，回来。我其实不喜欢太难过的自己，因为我赌上的是健康。而最重要的是我还不能死，我还有责任在身。我希望自己能更坚强，再坚强点，再大的打击都能不吭声地啃下就好，自己能够随着时间消化掉。

为我祈祷吧，愿我能早日大彻大悟如何勇敢并坚强的面对毕生最痛的事吧！心痛真的让我很苦，很苦啊。

Undescribable

I had joined a popping class this Wednesday, which was two days ago. I like the movement, I like the feeling of power in my nerves and I enjoy the music, feel the music and do the movement by following it. It's as if you are touching them, you are able to feel them with heart. Maybe, to many of you, I look more like a bookworm than a dancer, but right now, I tell you, I am making changes to myself, and I believe you will change your point of view soon.

I won't be someone who know how to study only, I am not a good-in-one-thing-only person very soon. To be truthful, I am learning Korean Language too. Sound awkward to you? I practised my violin just a couple of hours ago, and I am going to have my guitar lesson again on Sunday afternoon with my cousin. He is the instructor for this. I don't want my uni life to stick with books only, since I have been burying my head in them more than dozen of years.

Nike~ Just Do It! Hahahaha... Change yourself, be who you want to be. At least, something I learn from Steve Jobs, like what you are doing, do what you like and think what you do is superb! He really is a good leader and example for me. Mr Jobs, I am going to Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish throughout my life and learn to be a good accountant as you said. I will complete my assignment on time and work my nerve out to be the coolest person in class, I meant by result! Don't take anything for granted and live my life to the max, as if there is no tomorrow.

我过得很好

虽然模糊，还算是不错的。
虽然想起会痛，但还是能快乐。

生活总是充满着矛盾，忙碌与充实……
我不大懂得要怎么解释，但日子真的过得去。
我希望你们别担心我，我好好的。
觉得自己真的蛮成熟的去面对这事实。
痛，不过是一种感觉，排除了它，我还是姚立鑫。

简其言曰，我还活着，physically and mentally living。

我爱你

我爱你，故我放开你。
每当我难过、痛苦时，我总能写出一堆诗词。
可这回，意外地，我痛得写不出什么。
坦白点，我觉得是因为这回我失去的太多了，第一次失去了那么多。
曾有一段时间，我迷糊地过日子，不知道自己到底该怎么办。
我乱、我痛，我忘了自己的生活，忘了到底要怎么哭，却又偶尔一闪过段回忆，就泪流满面。
别说我傻，我从来都知道自己是个爱得真切的人。
要付出的，我从不吝啬；要给的，我从不拒绝。
我一直都相信爱是真的存在，我自己就是最好的例子。

打打下，我又走神了。
沉浸在回忆，从来都不是一件好事。
爱情给我的力量很大，我从未想过自己有如此的勇气与表露无遗。
每个决定，都因为爱，就算别人劝我不该如此，我也不想伤害我守护已久的人。
是我让对方从新相信这世界有真爱，有如此专一的爱，我不想破坏我好不容易建立起来的这份“相信爱”。
爱一个人是一种责任，要把这份责任贯彻始终。
不是说放手后便掉头离开，这样的冷漠，好比在彼此美好的回忆里狠狠地捅一刀。
我做不到。
这份爱，我是那么的小心翼翼，那么诚恳地呵护着，维持着，让它成长，开花结果。
却在得到朋友的肯定时，濒临结束。
说不难过，那是骗人的。
当初，在他们的眼里，我的付出、宽容与用心是不值得的，但到如今，我依然觉得值得。
真正爱过就会懂得这是值得的。
真正被这样的人爱过才会明白被宠着到相信这辈子唯这人不背叛自己的感受有多么强大。
我不后悔，因为我至少让我爱的人开心过，感受过幸福的滋味。
能这样的爱过，多不容易啊，为什么要用冷漠伤害彼此呢？去让以后的自己后悔伤害过真正爱过的人？
我从来都没勇气去刻意背对自己爱的人，因为我清楚望着爱人背影的人有多孤单。

Hi, long time no see...

Last year and this year, I had not written much on blog. Forgive me for those who always concern about my blog, my writings.

I do regret for not finishing many of the stories I wrote. But I believe what you guys like to read most, from me, is my short passages. Talking about my view on life, the surroundings of all of us. Many of you told me, what I wrote are something exact in the heart of you all and my way of thinking solve the problems or dilemma.

Exactly, what is the difference between me and you? Maybe because I can't stop thinking this and that, except when I am sleeping? I don't really know. I always have been a weirdo to many of you.

To me, I have so used to being alone, walking alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone. Get a cup of Starbucks Caffe Latte and read books whole afternoon is so normal to me. My parents have always been confident enough to let me decide things by myself. Yeah, I admit I have good parents who respect me so much.

So, I am alone. So what? Let it be. Lonesome won't kill me. I can survive. Yeah, I don't like to being alone like you all do, but I am not afraid of it. Must remember, no one can accompany you always, not from the start till the end. Someone who may really do this for you, believe me, he or she is damn tired inside. You never know how much sacrifice to be made and how deep the love is, for him or her doing so. So, grown up and dare to be alone! Don't let your loved ones so tired, give him or her a rest once in a while.

I personally believe that dare to be alone is a strength. Build up your courage to face anything on your own, independent! You will learn to be calm in every situation, good or bad, you can overcome it very well. Sometime, you may regret for doing some stupid stuff, eg donating money to fake charity organisations. But, you will learn from the lesson, slowly you will know how to reject all those cheaters.

I dare to admit, I got cheated more than once. Yea, seem so stupid those days. Though the me, for now, will never fall for the same trap, or better to say, will never shy to reject. Whenever people keep persuading you to do something, you reject it once, but the person did not back off and try convince you again, you will get less immune to his/ her words, then finally too shy to reject and fall into the trap. Damn, right? Many people regret after paying the money.

Don't be a weakling anymore. The Malaysia now is getting stronger in economy, inflation takes place and standard of living getting higher and higher. In the end, if you still did not dare to be a strong minded person, you will get kicked out from the high society. All your hard work has turn out to be nothing. Dare to speak what you think, dare to do what is right.

I may be too far away in this topic, but I believe you all can catch my meaning, especially to those who did presentations many times and currently working in real life. In my situation, now, I'm building up my courage, to live through my new life, to be single again, to be alone again. To face who is the most important to me without getting emotions involve, to control my own feelings all the time, is a much bigger challenge than you could imagine.

I dare to say, my way of doing things hurt myself most, but I am willing to do so. It's a sacrifice, which is a must, in my position. I'm doing my best to keep my promises, to always be there when needed. I seem stupid to some experienced people, though they couldn't stop me. The love in me gives me the strength, the power and the courage to continue, to move on. Someday, I may seem so far away, but in my heart, the same person still lives there. Someday, maybe, I can forget that I am loving somebody, and maybe I can love someone else, though at least now, I can't imagine I would love any others.

The pure feeling, pure love in my heart is so strong. It stops my tears, it brings my tears. I could be the bravest , fearless person infront of love, I could also be the coward and silently cry for my sad love. Broken heart, I never thought this could happen to me, it tears my inner self. I may cry for love often, but I know deep inside, I am a strong person, strong for love. And now I am strong enough to break my own heart for love.

Somehow, I couldn't imagine to hold someone else, other than my love, cry infront of my next partner or do all those silly things and bare all the pains myself anymore. Most importantly, I don't know how to love someone else, I can't calculate how many years do I need to spend just to let go the love I am holding tight to my heart now. Forever, there is this memory of love inside my soul, I will always remember I have gave my heart to this special someone and lived a blissful period before. I shall appreciate it, take it as a precious first love of mine. If I'm not mistaken, all my crying, the tears have spared more than boxes of tissues, hahaha... How memorable it is...

For my next love, if I have, I hope you could understand my pain, and remember I am an honest person. I am not comparing you to this someone, I'm telling you a story of my life. I have been waiting for the right person, for so many years, and whom I met is not you yet, probably. Or maybe I shall be alone for my whole life.

I might already be very good to many who know me. But I still want to be someone better than whom I am now.