21? It means nothing to me.

It's going to be my 21st birthday, but I'm numb. The feeling of getting older doesn't strike me, and I don't feel any happier even if my birthday is this near now. There are things I want to do for myself, yet I have to settle other's problems.

I am not a person who meant to be a big cast, no matter how cool that it sounds to be, I like to hide myself at the back stage, I prefer to be a loner. Lesser stress, yet more freedom.

That's me.

But also because I am myself, I don't like to avoid responsibility, I don't have the courage to leave others behind. I can't leave everything here and just run off. I could never be silent to problems. If I could be selfish, how well this could be? Lesser responsibility, lesser stress, lesser miserable. Life sounds good, yet my heart will kick my mind if I do so, which is why I am feeling so bad now.

In fact, sometime, I do hope I can off all my communication devices and nobody could find me. But I can't... I don't want to be a coward, even my love for freedom is so so much.

Can you guys imagine? It's only till today, I have the chance to read finish a story after my holiday starts, and I'm a reader who likes to throw everything away just for reading stories whole day. Now I can't. I love to have a cup of coffee on my desk and read a good story with my laptop, with my favourite songs at the background. It's an easy life that I want to have because I am an easy person. I want long hours of peace.

Though, the life now doesn't allow me to. No matter what, I have to do something to solve them.

Right now, I feel terribly hopeless. When there is no one to lend a hand for you to hold, to give you not just mental support, but real actions, it's hard. It's easy for people to speak of helping, though actions really speak louder. Reality is the cruel one who kills my hope.

Am I drowning? I hate it. I refuse to give up, but is there really a window for me to get out, when all the damn doors are closed? Is there?

Please, let me survive. Overcome this. I want a good start for my 21st year of living on Earth.

说不出话的心情

发现原来在最悲伤的时候，我都是沉默的。我不喜欢和别人分享我的难过。最痛时，我都是说不出话的。

曾经我经历过一次想死的心情。但或许正面的我是很强大，很理智的吧！我选择了把自己的伤心告诉妈妈。平时不愿意说出口的话，那时我都说了。断断续续的告诉了她。我不曾在她面前表露我的伤心过，所以着实把她吓了一跳吧！

但在那一次之后，我成长了。总觉得再难过都比不上那次。从而让我变得沉默着难过。没什么值得告诉别人的，我可以自己承受，只因为我想变得更坚强。如果我不能当个可靠的人，我的未来连我自己都觉得担忧，会恐惧。不强大，堵不住别人的嘴，没法子理直气壮。

现在的我写不出什么好文章了，因为没什么好的思想、心灵的经验可以分享。毕竟普通的难过，我就在面子书发下牢骚，发完就没了。

最痛的话语是写不出来的成长，什么也说不出口，只能够告诉你们的是我活过来了。每一次很痛很痛的时候，我都活过来咯。就如此而已。

我爱感性歌

夜里的人总是比较感性的。
特别是当电台里播着一首首打动人心的歌曲时，那感觉更是入心入肺。

是夜让人更脆弱么？
还是只是累了而放下心防线？
你觉得呢？

常常，在夜里累得打哈欠了，我都不想睡。没有为什么，只是知道我躺在床上时，依然是睡不着的。我讨厌那种等待的感觉，讨厌没事做的感觉。干等，真不符合我性格。

原因——往往，我一干等时，我就会想到身边的人儿会在哪呢？下一个在我身边躺下的人会是谁？会对我好吗？会不会到最后又是离开我的人？原谅我也会有胡思乱想的时候，或许真的是因为，夜了，累了，想脆弱了。

一首“好人”，一首“还是要幸福”，还有一首“那些年”，MyFM啊，你今晚专播让人心里难过的歌吗？还是只是我那么的走运？一直听到自己喜欢的歌曲。

“好人”这首歌其实让我很无奈。这歌的歌词打从我第一次听见时就敲进了我的心，好像在写着我心底的黑暗想法。但，偶尔承认自己的坏，好像，也是种诚实吧！

那个时期喜欢着侧田式情歌的我，也很喜欢方力申的“ABC君”和“好心好报”，都是歌词写得不错的歌曲，都与感情有关。


特别分享“好人”这首歌，想听完整版的人，可以到最尾端找到歌曲的link去Youtube。


歌曲：好人
歌手：侧田
专辑：justin

 若谈样子不会叫好 不算最讨好
但我的内在美不够味道 那足以自豪
谈为人当然好 双手也好抱
无奈独有伴侣问前路
没有想陪同邻家男孩跳舞 唯独当我师徒

人人亲近我 无人争夺我
无人关怀是谁大平卖亲和
平凡像我路过十个似我
情敌实在太多

人人鼓励我 无人倾慕我
常常激励别人 尽情热恋事后遗下我
像毒咒无人爱我 别吓我

并无自欺所有老死 只配作知己
愿意跟我细数恋爱挫折 抱住我会死
谈完情拖好手 都将我抛弃
从来没理会我喜与悲
是那么平凡仍可以来斗气
谈情令我心死 由得我死
你管不到那么多

天都不爱我 立心孤立我
平凡的人若提及情份 便显得不配么
难道我看不到现况正是结果
由得我
无人关怀是谁大平卖亲和
天都不理我 令我想清楚
感情是来自由弱者 所写的悲歌
事实上为什么不拍到拖
说穿了我不美 信我woo……

侧田- 好人 (CD Version)