21? It means nothing to me.

It's going to be my 21st birthday, but I'm numb. The feeling of getting older doesn't strike me, and I don't feel any happier even if my birthday is this near now. There are things I want to do for myself, yet I have to settle other's problems.

I am not a person who meant to be a big cast, no matter how cool that it sounds to be, I like to hide myself at the back stage, I prefer to be a loner. Lesser stress, yet more freedom.

That's me.

But also because I am myself, I don't like to avoid responsibility, I don't have the courage to leave others behind. I can't leave everything here and just run off. I could never be silent to problems. If I could be selfish, how well this could be? Lesser responsibility, lesser stress, lesser miserable. Life sounds good, yet my heart will kick my mind if I do so, which is why I am feeling so bad now.

In fact, sometime, I do hope I can off all my communication devices and nobody could find me. But I can't... I don't want to be a coward, even my love for freedom is so so much.

Can you guys imagine? It's only till today, I have the chance to read finish a story after my holiday starts, and I'm a reader who likes to throw everything away just for reading stories whole day. Now I can't. I love to have a cup of coffee on my desk and read a good story with my laptop, with my favourite songs at the background. It's an easy life that I want to have because I am an easy person. I want long hours of peace.

Though, the life now doesn't allow me to. No matter what, I have to do something to solve them.

Right now, I feel terribly hopeless. When there is no one to lend a hand for you to hold, to give you not just mental support, but real actions, it's hard. It's easy for people to speak of helping, though actions really speak louder. Reality is the cruel one who kills my hope.

Am I drowning? I hate it. I refuse to give up, but is there really a window for me to get out, when all the damn doors are closed? Is there?

Please, let me survive. Overcome this. I want a good start for my 21st year of living on Earth.