Undescribable

I had joined a popping class this Wednesday, which was two days ago. I like the movement, I like the feeling of power in my nerves and I enjoy the music, feel the music and do the movement by following it. It's as if you are touching them, you are able to feel them with heart. Maybe, to many of you, I look more like a bookworm than a dancer, but right now, I tell you, I am making changes to myself, and I believe you will change your point of view soon.

I won't be someone who know how to study only, I am not a good-in-one-thing-only person very soon. To be truthful, I am learning Korean Language too. Sound awkward to you? I practised my violin just a couple of hours ago, and I am going to have my guitar lesson again on Sunday afternoon with my cousin. He is the instructor for this. I don't want my uni life to stick with books only, since I have been burying my head in them more than dozen of years.

Nike~ Just Do It! Hahahaha... Change yourself, be who you want to be. At least, something I learn from Steve Jobs, like what you are doing, do what you like and think what you do is superb! He really is a good leader and example for me. Mr Jobs, I am going to Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish throughout my life and learn to be a good accountant as you said. I will complete my assignment on time and work my nerve out to be the coolest person in class, I meant by result! Don't take anything for granted and live my life to the max, as if there is no tomorrow.

我过得很好

虽然模糊，还算是不错的。
虽然想起会痛，但还是能快乐。

生活总是充满着矛盾，忙碌与充实……
我不大懂得要怎么解释，但日子真的过得去。
我希望你们别担心我，我好好的。
觉得自己真的蛮成熟的去面对这事实。
痛，不过是一种感觉，排除了它，我还是姚立鑫。

简其言曰，我还活着，physically and mentally living。

我爱你

我爱你，故我放开你。
每当我难过、痛苦时，我总能写出一堆诗词。
可这回，意外地，我痛得写不出什么。
坦白点，我觉得是因为这回我失去的太多了，第一次失去了那么多。
曾有一段时间，我迷糊地过日子，不知道自己到底该怎么办。
我乱、我痛，我忘了自己的生活，忘了到底要怎么哭，却又偶尔一闪过段回忆，就泪流满面。
别说我傻，我从来都知道自己是个爱得真切的人。
要付出的，我从不吝啬；要给的，我从不拒绝。
我一直都相信爱是真的存在，我自己就是最好的例子。

打打下，我又走神了。
沉浸在回忆，从来都不是一件好事。
爱情给我的力量很大，我从未想过自己有如此的勇气与表露无遗。
每个决定，都因为爱，就算别人劝我不该如此，我也不想伤害我守护已久的人。
是我让对方从新相信这世界有真爱，有如此专一的爱，我不想破坏我好不容易建立起来的这份“相信爱”。
爱一个人是一种责任，要把这份责任贯彻始终。
不是说放手后便掉头离开，这样的冷漠，好比在彼此美好的回忆里狠狠地捅一刀。
我做不到。
这份爱，我是那么的小心翼翼，那么诚恳地呵护着，维持着，让它成长，开花结果。
却在得到朋友的肯定时，濒临结束。
说不难过，那是骗人的。
当初，在他们的眼里，我的付出、宽容与用心是不值得的，但到如今，我依然觉得值得。
真正爱过就会懂得这是值得的。
真正被这样的人爱过才会明白被宠着到相信这辈子唯这人不背叛自己的感受有多么强大。
我不后悔，因为我至少让我爱的人开心过，感受过幸福的滋味。
能这样的爱过，多不容易啊，为什么要用冷漠伤害彼此呢？去让以后的自己后悔伤害过真正爱过的人？
我从来都没勇气去刻意背对自己爱的人，因为我清楚望着爱人背影的人有多孤单。

Hi, long time no see...

Last year and this year, I had not written much on blog. Forgive me for those who always concern about my blog, my writings.

I do regret for not finishing many of the stories I wrote. But I believe what you guys like to read most, from me, is my short passages. Talking about my view on life, the surroundings of all of us. Many of you told me, what I wrote are something exact in the heart of you all and my way of thinking solve the problems or dilemma.

Exactly, what is the difference between me and you? Maybe because I can't stop thinking this and that, except when I am sleeping? I don't really know. I always have been a weirdo to many of you.

To me, I have so used to being alone, walking alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone. Get a cup of Starbucks Caffe Latte and read books whole afternoon is so normal to me. My parents have always been confident enough to let me decide things by myself. Yeah, I admit I have good parents who respect me so much.

So, I am alone. So what? Let it be. Lonesome won't kill me. I can survive. Yeah, I don't like to being alone like you all do, but I am not afraid of it. Must remember, no one can accompany you always, not from the start till the end. Someone who may really do this for you, believe me, he or she is damn tired inside. You never know how much sacrifice to be made and how deep the love is, for him or her doing so. So, grown up and dare to be alone! Don't let your loved ones so tired, give him or her a rest once in a while.

I personally believe that dare to be alone is a strength. Build up your courage to face anything on your own, independent! You will learn to be calm in every situation, good or bad, you can overcome it very well. Sometime, you may regret for doing some stupid stuff, eg donating money to fake charity organisations. But, you will learn from the lesson, slowly you will know how to reject all those cheaters.

I dare to admit, I got cheated more than once. Yea, seem so stupid those days. Though the me, for now, will never fall for the same trap, or better to say, will never shy to reject. Whenever people keep persuading you to do something, you reject it once, but the person did not back off and try convince you again, you will get less immune to his/ her words, then finally too shy to reject and fall into the trap. Damn, right? Many people regret after paying the money.

Don't be a weakling anymore. The Malaysia now is getting stronger in economy, inflation takes place and standard of living getting higher and higher. In the end, if you still did not dare to be a strong minded person, you will get kicked out from the high society. All your hard work has turn out to be nothing. Dare to speak what you think, dare to do what is right.

I may be too far away in this topic, but I believe you all can catch my meaning, especially to those who did presentations many times and currently working in real life. In my situation, now, I'm building up my courage, to live through my new life, to be single again, to be alone again. To face who is the most important to me without getting emotions involve, to control my own feelings all the time, is a much bigger challenge than you could imagine.

I dare to say, my way of doing things hurt myself most, but I am willing to do so. It's a sacrifice, which is a must, in my position. I'm doing my best to keep my promises, to always be there when needed. I seem stupid to some experienced people, though they couldn't stop me. The love in me gives me the strength, the power and the courage to continue, to move on. Someday, I may seem so far away, but in my heart, the same person still lives there. Someday, maybe, I can forget that I am loving somebody, and maybe I can love someone else, though at least now, I can't imagine I would love any others.

The pure feeling, pure love in my heart is so strong. It stops my tears, it brings my tears. I could be the bravest , fearless person infront of love, I could also be the coward and silently cry for my sad love. Broken heart, I never thought this could happen to me, it tears my inner self. I may cry for love often, but I know deep inside, I am a strong person, strong for love. And now I am strong enough to break my own heart for love.

Somehow, I couldn't imagine to hold someone else, other than my love, cry infront of my next partner or do all those silly things and bare all the pains myself anymore. Most importantly, I don't know how to love someone else, I can't calculate how many years do I need to spend just to let go the love I am holding tight to my heart now. Forever, there is this memory of love inside my soul, I will always remember I have gave my heart to this special someone and lived a blissful period before. I shall appreciate it, take it as a precious first love of mine. If I'm not mistaken, all my crying, the tears have spared more than boxes of tissues, hahaha... How memorable it is...

For my next love, if I have, I hope you could understand my pain, and remember I am an honest person. I am not comparing you to this someone, I'm telling you a story of my life. I have been waiting for the right person, for so many years, and whom I met is not you yet, probably. Or maybe I shall be alone for my whole life.

I might already be very good to many who know me. But I still want to be someone better than whom I am now.

Unknown, a bit frustration and heartbroken

I hope everything would be a good start.

I had made so much promises to myself before, but they had never came true. I know why, because of a someone who meant so much to me. But I swear to myself, I have to change. The condition is no longer the same as before, I shouldn't stuck myself in a dead end anymore.

I have to begin to live for myself again. I must learn to be more selfish, never give myself out so much anymore. I had sacrifice enough. Some told me, if I really dare to do so, and face this straight, I am gonna be better, way much more better than now.

Yea, I know. I won't have sleepless night, won't need to tear on my pillow anymore. And I won't need to keep worrying this and that, spending all my time doing all the things that not related to myself. Actually I know what I am doing very well, I have been so willing to do all these. Seriously, I never regret once.

Even now, everything comes to an end, I still believe what I choose is a right one. Never regret has always been my aim of life.

Next, talk about my future. A level has ended two months ago, and uni starts soon. I'm going to Sunway University, taking Bachelor of Science (Hons) Accounting & Finance. Shocking news?! Hahahaha, I know many of you have heard that I planned to go for Monash. But in the end, this is it. Sunway, no more changes please! I doubt my choice once, due to a friend who is studying in Help. >.<

The programme structure of Sunway University has seen so much better than what Monash offers in its Bachelor of Business and Commerce. Yea, I may not have the chance to study in oversea anymore, but I look for the best in what uni can give me for my future. Going oversea can be after degree! XD Positive thinking!

I really don't want to plan much more than that. I may go to the north for work in future, but let's say so first, don't really plan much first, or else, if I change my mind again, all the research work is wasted again! I hate the feelings when I know I am wasting my effort due to some reasons.

I promise myself to work hard, I would go all out just to have the first class honour printed on my degree cert. Hopefully I can make it, and god can grant my effort well. I will do my best, and not to get distracted or be lazy.

Life has changed so much, to me, growing up, learning what is reality more deeply this time. I have a scar in my heart now, but I still believe in love, believe in what I always believe. Just this time, I learn the lover I hope to have isn't just love me, but love me until can't lose me for whole life, must be brave enough to be with me. That is the person I really need.

Please, I am good enough, better than many. I am not the best, I am not perfect, but I will work hard to get through every obstacle. I am someone, you will never find another in life.

这个放假，让我觉得很寂寞

七个星期的假期，我过了两个星期。我不停地告诉自己，“瞧！时间过得挺快嘛~很快就熬过去的了。”可是我骗不了自己。每天，每天，我都在很无奈的心情中度过。那种度日如年的感觉让我巴不得盖自己几巴，看看是不是可以晕过去到成绩出时才行。

我很愤怒，因为我不喜欢这样的日子。我不喜欢浪费时间，我根本就不会发呆！我一直告诉自己，找些事做吧，可是我能做什么？有什么事情不是在家做也不是需要用钱的？天天，我就在为钱烦，我爸嫌我用太多钱，大学学费也的确很重，所以我无话可说。我只能每天仅我所能地呆在家。

我想找人陪我，但这刻，我发觉我是如此的寂寞。像家福写在面子书那样[寂寞：把手机拿出来，把整个 contact list 看完，把手机放回去]。我的状况不外乎如此。人长大了，分道扬镳，自然各有各的忙，我不怪谁。我只是无奈。

当无奈累积到某个程度时，它会变成愤怒。现在的我就是如此，我没有一个发泄的出口，没有一个说话的对象。没人陪我哈啦、打球，或者是跑进K房里呐喊三个小时。明明那么多朋友的人，为何要落到这个下场呢？我不知道，所以又回到了我的无奈、我的寂寞。

人生真的很短，说不定明年真的就世界末日了。但，我却还要在这边写这么多废话。我想找架打，但理智的我说别傻。我想给人打电话，但这钟点的大家都在跟周公下棋。我想大喊，但我不想家里人说我神经。为什么这个世界上就是有那么多的无奈？！谁来告诉我，为什么？

我很多烦恼，但别人解决不了，只有靠我自己。如果某天我倒下了，请问，你们有谁真的得空来看我一眼？能否坐下来陪我说说话？我的压力，又有谁看得见？我想做到最好的成绩，但我还要顾及那么多的人事物，我不是神，我也想休息、娱乐、放松，但世界上就是要有很多阻碍让人不愉快。迫于无奈，只好回到来房间的小框框里，继续作我自己的宅。

今天是六月四日

六月十日是我考试的最后一天。过了，我就算毕业了。从A-level毕业了。我没有意思要回过头去仔仔细细的回味它，因为这一年半里，我认识的朋友并不多，但，我遇到了最宝贵的人。而那个人给我的记忆早已深深记在心里，不必特意去想，都会想起。

很稀奇，我在a-level的日子里没了中学时的活跃，因为我牺牲了它，我有别的，对我而言更重要的事要做，我只想专注于这些事。人生中，最重要的抉择就是要放弃什么，而我是毫不犹豫地放弃了。

拜二，我有一张acc paper3 (MCQ)和一张econ paper4 (essay+data response)要应付，是这次考试唯一的一天内两张。压力是难免的，但真正让我压力的其实是拜四的那张acc paper4。因为我不知道我拜二考完后是否有精力投入状况马上准备acc，怕练习做不够多，答不到考卷。我是一个做事很爱慢条斯理的人，但我想，我会尽力的。

这个放假，我应该不去做工了，打散工吧。看爸妈让我做什么就做什么。我想躲在家里练文笔或画画，每天做点运动什么的，把身子搞好。总觉得自己太常病不是个好事。你们应该不会懂得，每次看到鼻涕是血的滋味吧！放心，医生说我只是鼻子敏感加太常打喷嚏伤到才会容易有血。我没事的，只是那感觉不好。

有个人说我不懂得发呆是很糟糕的事，因为脑子不停地转让我无法得到充足休息。所以，我想给自己个机会静下心来，好好的放松自己。你们谁七月得空就找我去打打球吧！保龄和羽球都无任欢迎，但别嫌我反应慢啊，我身子弱。